I don't need a pair of boobs, or love, I need a new country. I know Japan isn't a paradise, but for me with my personality and obsessive hobbies, it's the best place I could possibly be. Tokyo or Itomori would both be Nirvana for me because I grew up inside of a heartless environment where unchecked capitalism has destroyed everything that is meaningful. Tokyo may be driven by consumers, but it still has a heart. There are festivals to mark the time and there is Akihabara, but there are neither artists nor a sense of community where I live. Capitalism without empathy destroys the world.
My life is also a bit of a mess. I was born with enough money and the promise that if everyone around me dies, I still won't die of starvation if I work a few hours a day. I'm a socialist, and I hate my country and my family because they have the money and time to help other people, but they are greedy and only care about living with luxury. One of my family members earns over $100,000 a year, and spends it on capitalist junk that isn't needed. The house that I will most likely inherit has several empty bedrooms, except they're buried in old electronics, extra furniture, and mountains of unusued or once worn clothing. Every dollar they save goes toward themselves, or toward other affluent family members so they can feel good about themselves.
They give nothing to the poor, only to their family who are already reasonably wealthy. They blame the poor for not being able to pick themselves up, and are dead-opposed to raising taxes, and instead support cutting taxes. They do not contribute a single dime or ten minutes of their time every week to strangers or the poor. They don't deserve it, and I don't deserve what I've received. I'm not rich enough to personally give up the money I have inherited, but I would vote against my class interests to help other people by increasing taxes and the minimum wage, and supporting the programs that would give the lower class more time and more time to think or get educated.
My family also oppose gay marriage, and haven't lost their religion. I am torn between hiding my own feelings so I can get an inheritance like a sociopath, and cutting them off. The emotional toll is real and I do slip up sometimes. I can't ever transition because this house might be my lifeline if I wind up as a cashier for life and never get promoted, and then get sick and am forced into an early retirement. Though I am fortunate enough to have a financial headstart beyond most people, I still can't burn the bridge. I'm trapped by the money. If I don't collect the inheritance, it will go to religious relatives who I know are much bigger sociopaths than me.
If I ever get Japanese citizenship, I'll be free to stop caring about whether I get an inheritance. I think I can make just enough money to survive in Japan, and then die in a lousy apartment complex. I'd enjoy making friends there, but if I die alone, that would be fine too, because by then I'll be fluent in Japanese and living in the land with the best waifus and love subsitutes.
My biggest obstacle now is that I'm kind of depressed. I feel so stuck where I am. Every time I have ran away from my family and spent my inheritance in another country, I have felt so free, so liberated, and so at peace with myself, but then I had no choice but to come back. I know I need to get another set of credentials to get away from here, but I'm just so depressed and insecure that it's hard to do it.
"What's the point if companies don't hire me and give me a reasonable salary, if I can't get fluent in Japanese, and I don't ultimately get a Japanese citizenship?" Those questions paralyze me.